Intro
The role of men and women in the home have changed. The past norms of men being the bread winner and women staying at home to look after the kids and keeping the man's castle clean and tidy are gone. Thrown out the window, probably and hopefully never to return. My wife and I seem to have a good understanding of each others roles, with regards to humdrum chores and looking after the children. Sometimes this understanding gets tested (as everything does with three children) however we adapt, communicate and get by whatever is causing us strife. However as the world has moved on, and the roles of mums and dads has become evermore blurred. I see a number of examples from friends, colleagues and on the school run, where the men simply are not stepping up to the mark. I see a lot of men who are holding on desperately to some bygone notion of what it is to be a father and a man. This blog post is to those men. I would love to see this group of change fearing, weak willed men come into the modern age in order to enjoy all the great things fatherhood has to offer, whilst taking the burden of supporting a family with massive pride and humility. This post will be a bit more focused on a singular topic than my normal posts, however you should still be able to take the points I am making regarding fatherhood and relate them to coaching, mentoring, leadership and management. At the end of the day the dad is still the man of the house, he is still the leader of the family. This has not changed. What has changed is the modern conception of good, wholesome, strong leadership. To be a leader is to serve those you lead, so therefore serve your family, serve your wife, serve your children......and reap the benefits. I am laying down three challenges to all fathers, so that we as a group can continue to grow and move towards a modern approach to leadership in the home. 1. Do the work This may seem like an easy one, however I see a lot of men out there not pulling their weight when it comes to parenting. Bringing up young children is not easy. It is physically, emotionally and mentally difficult. You have to be able to put up with tantrums over the most trivial of things, constant lifting, cleaning, tidying, washing, running, feeding and lots of other things ending with 'ing'!!!! There are days when I have literally curled up into a ball as I had reached my limit and just wanted to shield myself from the carnage created by my lovely little children. All to often I have seen and heard men use their job as an excuse to not pull their weight. I know couples where it is the norm for the wife to get as little as two hours sleep, whilst the husband gets his eight hours in, get his shower in the morning, goes to work and comes back just in time for the kids to go to bed. Not only is the wife not getting any sleep, she is also getting no rest during the day. I know of fathers who have refused to get up, point blank. In their head their job was more important than the overall health and well-being of his wife. I know I don't always do things the way my wife would want them done, but at least I try. I have put in my share of night feeds, putting the girls back to bed, making them feel safe when they have a nightmare and general running about at night. I do this as I believe that looking after kids is tough work and anything I can do to make my wife's day any better I will do it. Going to work and sitting in front of a computer for the day is much easier that caring for children......there, I said it. The same goes for making the dinner. I know men who either feel they can't make dinner, or they expect dinner on the table for them coming in from work. Come on guys, step up to the plate. Learn how to cook and take this burden off your wife. Dirty nappies is another pinch point for me. I know some dads who have not changed a dirty nappy. My point of view is that the dads were jointly responsible for the creation of this little being, therefore they should be jointly responsible for the things that little being creates!!!! Even dirty nappies!!! My main point here is very simple. Role up your sleeves and put in the work. Go the extra mile, go to work a little tired for a few months. Serve your family. Show your true leadership qualities by giving your wife the support she needs. You might not get instant gratification and reward for your efforts, but you will do long term. 2. Be Present This sounds really simple, but in the modern world of phones, tablets and 24 hours of sport on the TV it is actually quite a difficult thing to accomplish. Being present, for me, is being attentive to your children when you are with them. All your children want is your love, attention and care. If they don't get this they will tend to misbehave. However for me being present is much more that just making sure your kids behave in the short term, it is about building a solid and lasting relationship with your children. With every action you take you are sending out messages about who you are and your values. If you choose to bury your face into your phone checking facebook rather than listening and engaging with your kids you are sending them signals. If I am trying to speak to someone and get constantly ignored I stop trying. They have shown me that they do not value me enough to listen to what I have to say. I won't keep going back to get ignored again. Back to your children, by constantly ignoring them you are reinforcing this exact same reaction. My kids are always proudly showing me their latest drawing, lego construction or boogey they just pulled out of their nose. However the reaction on their face is priceless when I reciprocate their interaction with pride, positive reinforcement and high fives. By putting down the phone, or not watching the latest match and paying attention to my kids I myself feel better as I am choosing to engage with them rather than having my attention split between two things, which is ultimately frustrating. Take time to be present with your kids and learn to enjoy their company. It is very worthwhile and rewarding. 3. Get to know your children Once again this may seem like a very simple premise, however many people only get to know other people superficially. I can probably count the number of people who really know me on one hand. The modern world is a superficial one where people live their lives out online, only showing the happy pictures with sunshine in it. Because we live in this digitally crafted world more and more people are finding it difficult to relate to people in the real world. The biggest shock I got when we had our second child was that both children were very different, very individual. I thought that all my kids would be clones of each other, and I could not have been farther from the truth. All my kids are very different and the beautiful thing about that is that each has different likes and dislikes, different motivations and very different ways of making sense of the world. I have to spend time getting to know each of my kids individually. Spending time with them and learning about what makes them tick is amazing and is definitely time well spent. Also there is a difference between spending time with your children doing the activities you like versus spending time with them doing the things they like to do. Spending time with your kids in their comfort zone will help you bond with them and you never know, you might end up finding a new hobby you never knew you liked!!!! Peace and Happiness Folks.
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AuthorMy name is Andy Smyth, I have spent the last decade working in the field of Sports Development, where I have had the pleasure of working to grow leaders within local community sports clubs in Scotland. Archives
August 2017
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